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Something you can't forget about

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A Stone In The Shoe

Something you can't forget about

Humorous Story: Bullshit In My Living Room

Thomas Less, February 14, 2016

I grew up on a dairy farm and milked cows in a milking parlor every morning and every evening for over 20 years. Why is that important? It gave me nightmares for years.

You see, at that time, a cow would come into the milking parlor to be milked on an elevated pathway. To entice the cow to come in and stand still some grain was placed in a feeder which they would busily consume while we milked them. Well, cows are bit like people in that when they eat, they suddenly also need to poop. Unlike most people, they do not carefully sit on a container designed to capture and remove the “crap”, they simply crap.

Milking Parlow

Perhaps you have seen the dry “cow patties” left on the fruited plains, if so, let me assure cowshit does NOT leave the cow in that form. No, in milking parlors the very soft and very moist defecation matter leaves the Holstein cow at a height of about 5 feet, is pulled by the universal force of gravity downward accelerating with every inch, crashes into the immovable floor, causing an equal and opposite reaction, which projects hundreds of cow-shit droplets into the space occupied by the persons milking the cows at a height amazingly similar to the part of their bodies most likely to have open orifices at the time.

Milking parlors are not places filled with wide-eyed, over-joyed, broadly smiling chatterbox people.

For years when I moved away I literally dreamed of coming home from work and finding a cow had somehow apparated into my living room and defecated all the contents of all 4 of it’s stomachs onto the floors of my home which then bounced onto all of the furniture, walls, curtains…you get the idea.

Now consider this: what if because of that dream, I had decided that every morning before I went to work I would cover all the walls, furniture, flooring, and curtains of my house with plastic just in case a cow magically appeared in my living room and started to shit? If it became common knowledge that I was doing this, wouldn’t someone send men with whitecoats to take me away? I’ll bet some of you are ready to call them just because I had the dream!

  1. So I would be considered deranged if I thought it was possible for an object we know to exist (a cow), which is made from materials we know both exist and are readily available (water, carbon etc. etc.), to suddenly and spontaneously appear, without cause, in my living room and begin doing what we all know they do – shitting.
  2. Yet I am considered a genius if I declare that all the matter and energy in all the universe, which we have no evidence there was ever anything like it before, suddenly and spontaneously appeared, from absolutely nothing, without a cause and formed itself into all the amazingly complex and beautiful universe, and people (and cows) we see around us?

Imagine you had to bet all you have on one of the two scenarios actually happening again. No honest, reasonable (logical) person would bet their life’s savings that scenario 2 will happen again but scenario 1 is impossible. Obviously, if you want to bet on the most likely possible scenario, it is unthinkable that scenario 2 is more likely than scenario 1.

Logically think for yourself, with a truly open mind, then courageously follow the truth wherever it leads…and if you call the men with white coats, be sure they also have wings.

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